Secrets
by nickinick94
Summary: "No one knew what my life was like. They just saw the illusion I built for myself. The same illusion that I had created when I was thirteen." James is hiding something about his past. When he decides to tell everybody, how will his friends react?
1. Prologue

**This story includes death, child abuse, and self-harm, so proceed with caution. (I promise I'm not a horribly tortured person, just my writings are.)**

Everyone looks at me and thinks "James Diamond, pretty boy of Hollywood. He's so carefree he must have grown up with a silver spoon in his mouth." Of course, this is what I want them to see. It's the illusion that I have built so well for so many years that not even Carlos, Logan, and Kendall – my three _best friends_ – know the secrets it hides. To the world, I was just a teenager, a Hollywood Party King of Hollywood, "The Face" of Big Time Rush. No… no one knew of my past's darkness…

But I'm tired of keeping up the façade. It's getting harder to keep things from everybody. My friends know something is up – they have known me for years, and I'm getting clumsy and keeping everything hidden when we're in the privacy of our apartment 2J. And then there's the media; trying so hard to pry into every aspect of our lives. Well, now I'm tired of hiding. I'm ready to let the world know my deepest secret…

**Okay, so this is just a prologue thing to figure out how many of you are interested. Although considering the small word count, I'm assuming no one is going to look at it yet, so I'll post the first chapter later today. Let me know what you think! (Oh and I don't own BTR).**

**~ Nikki**


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N: I'm trying not to do these so much for this story, but I just have to say that first off: I have never even seen a hockey game. Also, I have never been admitted to the hospital and have never broken a bone, or sprained anything, or gotten so sick, etc. So for those of you who are hung up on details (like me) I'm sorry for my fail.**

**And I have finally posted the last chapter of ****Revenge****! So if you like Mortal Instruments and Alec and Magnus (Malec), go read it!**

**And **_**I DON'T OWN ANYTHING! **_** Everyone see that? I never will. So if I forget a disclaimer for the other chapters no one will sue me?**

**On with the story!**

I'm not really sure where to begin. The things in my life have been going on far too long, but I guess to save time I'll start with the hockey game against Duluth East three years ago. That's really where my life started taking a nose dive…

**Minnesota, 2007. (The boys are 13 years old)**

I cried out as I was checked hard into the boards. I swear I felt a few of my ribs crack, but I wasn't going to let that stop me now. We only had two minutes left in the game, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let a little thing like _breathing_ stop me from helping the team win the game against _these_ losers.

Of course, my plan kind of backfired when, thirty seconds later, I was pushed down again. Although this time, as I fell, I felt pain lace up my right ankle. I heard the whistle blow for a timeout and I just laid there, trying to catch my breath while my ribs screamed in protest.

"You okay man?"

I looked up to see Kendall standing above me along with Carlos and Logan. I guess he figured out my answer by the look on my face because he then asked "Can you get up to get over to the bench?"

I honestly didn't think I could, but I didn't want to leave yet. The game was still tied 3-3 and, as wimpy as it was, I didn't want to go to the hospital alone. But I nodded anyway.

Kendall grabbed my hands and helped me up, wrapping one of my arms around his shoulder to help me skate over to the bench one footed. It was kind of awkward, trying to skate on only one foot, but we got there eventually. Now that I could see it better, I noticed it was bleeding from being cut with a skate. It wasn't too bad, but I couldn't just leave it like that. The paramedics were already there and I told them I wasn't going to willingly leave until the game was over. They must have dealt with stubborn hockey players before because one of them just handed me a towel to press to my ankle to stop the bleeding. It hurt though, pressing it to my sprained ankle.

Thankfully, one minute and thirty seconds later we won 4-3. I would've joined the group hug if it weren't for the fact that I couldn't even stand. However, as they were exiting the rink, they all gave me high fives and "We couldn't have done it without you"s while I congratulated them. The guys were the last ones to come over, probably because they wanted to come to the hospital with me, although they wouldn't all be able to ride in the ambulance. The paramedics helped me onto the ambulance and Kendall climbed in with me, telling Logan and Carlos to meet us at the hospital with Mrs. Knight.

The ride to the hospital was unbelievably boring. They figured out I had bruised ribs and a sprained ankle with a gash that needed stitches, but they couldn't do much of anything other than wrap my ribs in the ambulance, and they needed to stitch up my ankle before they wrapped it. Kendall was talking about how he was "so going to kill that Duluth kid" that checked me into the boards, but I honestly didn't care that much. I was still trying to breathe without hurting my ribs too much.

When we finally got to the hospital, they stitched up my ankle, wrapped it up, and gave me crutches and painkillers. By the time they were done, it was eight o'clock at night and I was _so_ ready to just go home or anywhere, really. I hated hospitals. They were always cold and smelled like sick people and death. And I was deathly afraid of needles, which hospitals were full of.

However, when I walked back out to the waiting room where Kendall, Carlos, Logan, Katie, and Mama Knight were all waiting, I was confused. They were all looking at me with pity and Mama Knight even had tears in her eyes.

"What's going on?" I asked. "I'm okay…" I trailed off, dread settling in the pit of my stomach.

"Honey," Mama Knight walked over to me and put her hand on my shoulder. "It's your mother. She was hit by a drunk driver on the way here from her business meeting. They… they're not sure she's going to make it through the night…"

That was when my world came crashing down.

**Hey guys! Sorry for the short (and crappy) chapter but hopefully they'll get longer as the story progresses (and the more you review *cough cough hint hint*). Anyway let me know what you think or if you're even reading. Just a leave a review, short or long, or just saying hi, whatever! Or you could just choose between pirates or ninjas (I'm a ninja person). I just want to know who is reading. Please and thank you!**

**~ Nikki**


	3. Chapter 2

**Oh my god guys I love you so much! I could seriously kiss all of you! Reviews seriously make my day! I started jumping up and down and squealing when I got one and my cousins thought I was crazy. And that's saying something! Anyway, I won't bore you any longer. On to the next chapter! **

I was currently sitting next to my mother's bed, holding her limp hand. I was too numb to notice my father on the other side of her sobbing or my own tears silently tracing their way down my cheeks. Mama Knight had taken everybody else home, leaving Katie at Carlos' house since Kendall refused to leave. He was sitting next to me, keeping his and on my shoulder. I didn't even look up when Mama Knight walked back into the room and quietly took her seat next to Kendall, keeping her eyes locked on her best friend.

We sat in silence for hours, not knowing what to say and praying that the doctors were wrong, that she would be just fine. However, five torturous hours after she was admitted, the beeping of the heart monitor turned into a single steady note.

For a few seconds, I didn't even register what the beeping meant. I just stared dumbly at the flat line before everything finally hit me. I brought a shaking hand up to my mouth and stared down at my mother's pale face and a sob escaped my throat. The one parent I had that truly loved me no matter what was gone, and she was never coming back.

My world had been silent while that was happening, but once Kendall drew me into his arms it was like the volume had been turned onto full blast. My dad was sobbing harder than ever, Mrs. Knight was crying, and Kendall's breath began hitching. And still that horrible monotone note droned on.

I don't know how long we sat there crying for the death of such a wonderful person; it could have been days or it could have been seconds. All I know is that somehow I was suddenly in my house with my dad making his way to what was now just _his_ bedroom.

Honestly, the last thing I wanted to do was climb the stairs with bruised and cracked ribs _and_ a sprained ankle at four a.m., but I was planning on locking myself in my room for the next few days, or weeks, or centuries, so I figured I'd better get started, because once I fell onto the couch, I wouldn't get up.

It took me about thirty minutes, and I was even more exhausted by the end of it, but I finally made it to my bed and just collapsed onto the sheets, hoping that this was all a nightmare and I would wake up soon with my mother smiling down at me.

_**Line line line line line line line**__**line line line line line line**_

The sun was so unbelievably bright when I woke up I figured that last night must have actually happened. That, and the pain weighing on my chest convinced me. Isn't that always the way things go? It only rains when people die in movies. In real life it's always the prettiest fucking day of the year. The day Kendall's dad died? _Beautiful_. The day Carlos' abuela died? _Gorgeous_. Same with Logan's uncle and I guess Brooke Diamond. She was a beautiful woman, inside and out, so I guess she would want a pretty day too.

I was broken out of my thoughts by my phone ringing. I grabbed it and checked the caller ID. It was Kendall. Obviously. I didn't want to talk though, so I just let it ring and looked at the clock. I was vaguely surprised to see it was already two in the afternoon. The call went to voice mail and I had just enough time to see that I had 27 texts and 13 missed calls before it began ringing again. I groaned and buried my face into the pillow before getting enough courage to answer the phone.

"Hello?" I groaned, my voice still hoarse and heavy with sleep.

"Finally! I thought you'd never pick up! I called you, like, thirty times, man!" he exclaimed.

I sighed. "Yeah I know, I saw."

"Well are you okay?" he asked. I could tell by the tone of his voice that he already knew the answer.

I stayed silent. I didn't want to admit it, but I wasn't okay. I didn't think I ever _would_ be okay. My mother was the perfect mom who worked hard at what she did and succeeded, but still had time to raise her only son and go to all the hockey games and school plays I had and bake cookies and stuff for all my friends. And now she was gone. All because she was hit by a drunk driver.

Luckily, Kendall seemed to read into my silence, so I didn't have to say anything. I didn't think I could have forced the words out through the lump in my throat anyway. He simply said "I'll be over in ten" and ended the call.

I placed my phone back on my dresser and rolled onto my side. I was still tired, even though I'd gotten a good ten hours of sleep. I closed my eyes and tried to empty my mind so I wouldn't start crying like a baby, and I must've fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew there was the creak of someone sitting on my bed.

I glanced up and my hazel eyes met Kendall's soft green ones. I launched myself into his arms and buried my face into his shoulder, my whole body trembling. It felt like my chest was being ripped apart.

"Shh, you'll be okay Jamie. I've got you, it's okay," Kendall cooed, wrapping one arm around my waist and gently stoking my hair with the other.

A sob finally made its way past the lump in my throat and it was like a dam had broken. The tears started rolling down my cheeks hot and fast and the sobs tore at my throat. Kendall squeezed me tighter and I felt something wet fall on my hair. I was too incoherent to look up but I was pretty sure it was his tears. That made me start crying even harder and my lungs started burning for air.

"Jay? I need you to calm down for me please. James?" I heard Logan's voice ask. A voice in the back of my mind wondered when he got here, but I was too hysterical to think about it for too long. All I could think about was that the arms that were holding me were not the ones I wanted; they were not my mother's.

"James, please calm down. You're gonna make yourself sick. Please Jamie? I need you to breathe for me. Just take slower breaths. Please?" Logan started begging, and I tried to listen to him, really I did, but the way it ended up was I would try to contain the sobs, hold my breath, freak out more, start sobbing again, and the cycle would start all over.

"Jamie please calm down? I don't want you to get sick," I heard Carlos plead. So everyone was here. Lovely. I suddenly became aware of a hand other than Kendall's on my back and one on my knee. The thought of being surrounded by people who cared for me so much was comforting, and I tried to match my breathing to Kendall's since I was practically buried in his chest anyway.

"That's it," Logan encouraged, squeezing my knee. Eventually my sobs calmed down to the occasional hiccup, and finally I was silent.

I shakily sat up a little a wiped the tears left on my cheeks away, too tired and too comfortable to actually leave Kendall's arms. "Sorry," I croaked, my throat sore from crying so long.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Kendall said, pulling me closer.

Carlos fervently nodded in agreement. "Yeah, it's not your fault. And if you're worried about Kendall's shirt, don't be. It's just water."

Logan reached over and gently brushed my bangs out of my eyes, seeing that I was too tired to do it myself. "Get some sleep, buddy. You look tired."

I simply nodded, too exhausted to actually say anything. My eyelids started drooping and I quickly fell asleep in the comfort of my best friends' arms.

**Hmm. I'm not sure about this chapter. Or my writing style. But let me know what you think! I get so excited when I get a review! They make my day! :D**

**~ Nikki**


	4. Chapter 3

**I just want to say thank you to all my amazing reviewers! I love you guys! And yes, I was smiling and squealing while I read the reviews. Let's see if you can do that again. :)**

**Kendall POV**

As soon as I pulled my distraught best friend into my arms he started sobbing. I simply held him and shushed him, not knowing what else to do. For a while, it was just heartbroken crying, but his cries soon escalated to hysterical sobbing. I tried calming him down, but I don't think he even heard me. Not knowing what else to do, I texted Logan and Carlos.

I was convinced James was going to pass out or make himself sick or something by the time they burst through the door almost fifteen minutes later. He had been crying for almost thirty minutes by then and it took us at least another ten to calm him down completely. Now the depressed brunette was out cold in my arms.

"Well that was scary," Carlos blurted out. I looked down at the boy asleep in my arms. He still had tears on his cheeks so I gently wiped them away with my thumb.

"Yeah it was," I replied, carefully laying James onto the pillows. I had never seen anybody cry so much or so hard, although if it had been my mom, I would've been inconsolable too.

We were quiet for a while, just watching James sleep before Logan spoke up. "I thought he was going to give himself a heart attack," he whispered, keeping his eyes locked on James. His shaky breathing had evened out in his sleep and he almost looked peaceful.

We just talked for a while James slept. After an hour or so he finally started to wake up.

**James POV**

I slowly blinked my eyes open. My friends were still in my room, just talking. I stretched a little and sat up. "Hey, guys."

"Hey, buddy," Logan said, looking me over carefully. "You feeling any better?"

_Honestly? _ I wanted to say. _No. My mom just died. I'm freaking myself out so much I feel like I'm going to puke._ _No I'm not feeling better!_ But it probably wasn't a good idea to stay in bed and mope all day, so I just nodded.

It was quiet for a while while I tried to wake up some more and wrap my head around what happened yesterday. I could already feel a migraine coming on. Then Carlos broke the silence. "Can we have a snow day?" he questioned.

Logan looked confused. "But Carlos it isn't even raining out and it's not cold," he said. But I got what Carlos was asking.

"Sure, Carlitos, we can have a snow day. Why don't you guys go raid the pantry and find a movie? I'll be down in a second." I said. Kendall and Logan hesitated but Carlos grabbed their arms and dragged them down stairs. I carefully stood up and grabbed my crutches, my ribs and ankle screaming in protest. It was _definitely_ time for more pain meds. I hobbled over to the bathroom and I cringed when I saw my reflection. My eyes were red and swollen and I had dried tear tracks on my cheeks. Overall, I looked like shit.

I quickly splashed water on my face and brushed my teeth before trying to make my way downstairs. I just stood at the top for minute, wondering how I was going to get down. I probably should have thought about that before I went up last night.

After thinking about it for a minute, I finally decided to just sit down and scoot down them. I carefully sat on the top step and balanced my crutches on top of my knees. I started to raise myself with my arms and good foot, wincing as my ribs protested. I was able to make it down a step without any problems, but my crutches went crashing down the stairs.

"James?" I heard three panicked voices yell. Before I could answer they dashed over to the foot of the stairs from the kitchen, asking me a million questions.

"Guys!" I tried to scream, my voice still hoarse. "I'm fine! I'm just trying to get down!" I said, continuing my awkward downstairs crawl.

They watched me for a second, and then Carlos asked "How exactly did you get up there anyway?"

I internally winced at the question, knowing Logan was going to chew me out for my stupidity. "I kinda just hopped up..."

"What? At four in the morning? Are you stupid?" Looks like I was wrong. Kendall beat him to it. "You could have killed yourself!"

I rolled my eyes at him, continuing my progress down the stairs. I was about halfway down and out of breath. "Yeah, but I didn't. So let's just drop it please?" I panted.

Logan seemed to pick up on my pain first and quickly went into doctor mode. "Are you in pain? Where's your medicine? Do you need me to go get it?" he rapidly shot off.

I gave him a tired smile. "Actually, Logie, yeah that would be great. It's on the kitchen table." He dashed off to grab that and a glass of water, returning just as I reached the bottom of the stairs. "Thanks Logan," I said, taking the water and pills and downing them quickly. Kendall helped me stand up and I looked around for my crutches for a second before Carlos handed them to me.

"Thanks, guys," I said shyly. I wasn't used to being helpless or having so much of my friends' attention focused solely on me. We were usually to ADD to stay focused on anyone or anything for too long.

"It's no problem man," Kendall said, following me over to the couch where they had already set up snack foods and the movie. I plopped down on the couch and lifted my feet up and Kendall mimicked my pose, resting his feet next to mine on the couch. Logan and Carlos stretched out on the floor in front of the massive food pile.

"So what movie are we watching?" I asked, grabbing a handful of lucky charms. Only we would think it was acceptable to eat dry cereal and chips at the same time.

"_The Amazing Spiderman_!" Carlos exclaimed. "It's gonna be so cool!"

I laughed. He looked so excited I almost expected him to spontaneously combust. "But 'Los haven't you seen it, like, ten times already?"

He was unfazed by my question. "So? It's an awesome movie."

Logan chuckled and ruffled his hair. "Yes it is Carlitos. Now let's just watch the movie." We settled down and spent the rest of the day watching superhero movies and getting into a popcorn-chip-and-cereal war.

**Okay, and there is chapter 3! Reviews would absolutely make my day, you have no idea! Please and thank you!**

**~Nikki**


	5. Chapter 4

**Thank you guys so much for the reviews and favorites and stuff! :) I'd especially like to thank Fan of Fiction 96 and BigTimeRush-BTR. You guys rock! :) **

**Anyway, here's the next chapter!**

"Hey guys, do any of you know where my dad is?" I asked. I figured he was still in his room when we got down here, but now we had already finished _Spiderman_ and were halfway through _The Avengers_.

Logan and Carlos shared a glance. "Um… actually yeah we do." Logan said hesitantly and glanced at Kendall, who was watching the movie as if his life depended on it. "He left a note on the counter… He was going to make funeral preparations…" He watched me for a second, judging my reaction.

I didn't trust my ability to speak, so I just nodded. It just seemed… more real, I guess. Like a part of me was still hoping that it had all been a bad dream, and now it was crushed. I could feel tears pricking behind my eyes, and I was grateful when the guys turned their attention back to the movie so I could quickly swipe away the silent tears.

An hour later the movie ended and it was getting late. I could tell the guys needed to be going but they didn't want to leave me alone. If they were going to leave, I had to get them to go myself.

"You know guys, you don't have to stay here until my dad comes home. He should be here soon anyway." I said. "It's getting late and I know you need to be home tonight."

Kendall looked me over, as if trying to find out if I was lying or not. "Are you sure, man? I don't really want to leave you here by yourself."

I just rolled my eyes at Kendall's mother hen-ing. "Yes, Kendall, I'm sure. I can take care of myself for an hour or so. I'm pretty talented that way," I remarked, reaching for my crutches and shooing all of them toward the door. "I know you guys need to get home. I can tell by the guilty looks on your faces," They looked at each other then, sheepishly. "Now go! I'll see you tomorrow."

I received a chorus "See you tomorrow"s and "Bye, James,"s and closed the door. I hopped back over to the stairs, took one glance at them, and decided I was sleeping on the couch tonight. Thankfully the guys had already helped me clean up, so I just sat back down on the couch and turned on the TV, flipping randomly through the channels. I fell asleep quickly, the TV still on some random channel.

There was a loud bang and I shot up, my heart beating wildly. I glanced around trying to find the source of the noise and heard a rustling in the kitchen. Carefully getting up off the couch and grabbing my crutches, I made my way toward the sound.

My dad was stumbling around the kitchen when I got there. I was confused for a second, and then it clicked; he was drunk. I'd never seen my dad drink even a drop of alcohol, much less get drunk. I was a little scared, to be honest.

He must not have noticed me, since he was still mumbling to himself and searching through the cabinets. I cleared my throat and he spun around to face me. "Hey, dad," I said softly. "What are you looking for?"

"It's none of your business!" he snapped, continuing his frantic search and then spinning back around. "It's your fault she's gone you know," he snarled, stalking toward me. "If it wasn't for _you_ and your _stupid_ hockey game, she would still be alive!" he screamed. I tried to back away before he could reach me, but that's a very difficult thing to do on crutches, and pain shot up by sprained ankle every time I put my weight on it.

He grabbed my shirt and I let go of the crutches to grasp his wrists, trying to pry them off. He slammed me into a wall and I gasped, pain searing through my ribs. Suddenly, he let go, and I fell ungracefully to the floor, catching myself with my hands at the last minute.

"Just get out of my sight," he sneered, leaving me lying there and wondering who had just possessed my father.

**HIPPOPOTOMONSTROSOQUIPADELIO PHOBIA! That, my dear friends, is the word for the fear of long words. :P Anyway, now that you have that wonderfully useless information and I just wrote this dreadfully short chapter outside in the cold and can no longer feel my fingers… review! It's a very conveniently placed box right at the bottom of this screen. Or it's a button. Depending on what electronic device you're on. :P Please and Thank you! Don't let my fingers have frozen in vain! **

**~ Nikki **


	6. Chapter 5

**So I have finally been diagnosed with a problem. I have Severe Favorite Character Mutilation Disorder. :P So on with the story! **

I sat up in my room after painstakingly hopping up the stairs. My father had never done anything like that before. He may be pretty strict, but he's _never_ hit me before, much less left bruises. I didn't know what to do. Do I call the guys? But what could they do about it? Nothing, really. They would just worry more about me, and that was the last thing they needed to do. Or they would call the cops. I felt a thrill of fear shoot through me. No way was _that_ happening. I had just lost one parent. I was _not_ about to lose another.

I fell into a fitful sleep. What if my dad was right? What if it was my fault? Would my friends hate me? They couldn't know.

The next morning I awoke to find my dad had left a note next to my bed saying he was at work. I guess a distraction was the best way for him to deal, but what about me? I died a little inside just thinking about going to school knowing my mom wouldn't be here when I got home. _No,_ I thought. _School is definitely out of the question. _I felt tears start to roll down my cheeks again and I burrowed deeper into my comforter. Based on its name, you would think that it would provide comfort to the person wrapped in it, but that was so not the case here. It didn't help at all.

It was a Monday, so the guys would be at school until 3. Around one, I figured I should probably get up and get a shower, since my friends were crazy and would come over right after school. I was relived to find my pain pills on my dresser. My dad must have brought those up too. So maybe last night was just a one time thing…? I grabbed those and a change of actual clothes and went into the bathroom. I filled a cup with water from the sink and swallowed two of the pills before turning on the water in the shower.

While I waited for it to warm up, I inspected the bruises on my shoulders. There were dark purple fingerprints on my shoulder blades and two thumbprints on my collar bone. My ribs were splotched with blue and green, and there was a large black and blue bruise on my back from being slammed into the wall, and probably from falling on the same spot on the ice. When it was unwrapped, my ankle was a disgusting combination of purple and yellow. Overall, I looked horrible.

I limped into the shower, silently thanking whoever built the house that it wasn't also a bathtub I had to step over. I leaned against the wall and let the stream of water flow over my sore muscles, relaxing them and giving me the warmth I so desperately wanted.

I was out of the shower thirty minutes later and decided to head downstairs and wait for the guys. The kitchen was clean, leaving no sign of what happened last night. I searched for food, but couldn't find anything other than bread and peanut butter, so I made myself a sandwich.

At 3:15, just like I had thought, the guys showed up at my house. We did pretty much the same thing as yesterday, this time playing video games until they had to go home for dinner. My dad was coming home late again, I figured, so I ordered a pizza for dinner and hid up in my room before my dad walked in, drunk yet again.

This was my routine for about two weeks, with the exception of Saturdays. The first Saturday was the day of my mom's funeral – and pretty much the worst day of my life. All my family members and my parents' friends were there, talking about what a tragedy it was and how she was such an amazing person and how they were sorry for my loss. I wanted to scream. Sorry doesn't bring her back! If it wasn't for Kendall, Carlos, and Logan there with me, I'm sure I would've just exploded.

That Saturday evening was also terrible. My father was gone for a while after the funeral, and he was drunk again when he got back, telling me that he would kill me if I told anyone what he was doing. I wanted to cry at the unfairness of it all, but I was already drained dry.

I went back to school the following Monday. The teachers were understanding and said I didn't have to bother with makeup work. That was fine by me, since I probably wouldn't have done it anyway. My classmates whispered as I walked past with my friends, but I was too emotionally drained to care.

The second Saturday the doctor said I could stop using the crutches, and that my ribs were fully healed. I spent the day playing street hockey with my friends and doing stupid stunts with Carlos. I was just glad to be out of that hell hole that was now my home.

My dad hit me every day, blaming me for my mom's death. At first, I was doubtful. It was an accident, right? But after you get told something so many times, you start to believe it.

For two years my dad never hit me too hard; just a slap across the face or a too tight grip on my arms when he pushed me against the wall. Kendall, Logan, and Carlos never suspected a thing. But when I turned fifteen, something changed. I wasn't careful enough. They said something, and my dad overheard. That was the first night he beat me harder than ever, and I think it was even without the aid of alcohol.

The night I nearly died.

**Oooo! A cliffhanger! Can I get a few reviews for the next chapter? Pretty please? *bats eyelashes* You know you want to! (And James fate is in my evil hands.) :P **

**~ Nikki**


	7. Chapter 6

**So I'm really sorry that the last two chapters were a day late, but I love all the reviews you guys gave! Thank you sooooo much!**

**Minnesota, 2009. 15 years old.**

I sighed in relief as the pain left my body. Not physical pain, just emotional. It flowed out of me along with my blood through the cut in my wrist. I know that Logan would say that I was slowly killing myself by doing this, but honestly, it was probably the only thing keeping me alive. I just couldn't live with the pain and guilt anymore. And although I told myself I would be able to stop whenever I wanted, I wasn't so sure that was true anymore. I had been doing it for about two years now.

Glancing at the clock, I saw I needed to hurry up. Logan, Kendall, Carlos, and I had all agreed to meet at my house after school because I had just gotten the new Call of Duty game. Just because my dad was scary when he was drunk out of his mind, it didn't mean that he completely ignored me when he was sober. I could still get away with asking for things during those times, even though they were few and far between, and I knew how to take full advantage of it.

Quickly wrapping my wrists in gauze and tying bandanas around them, I cleaned the razor I was using and removed all traces of blood just as there was a knock at the door. I shoved the razor back into the drawer and bounded down the stairs just as my friends walked in. I don't even know why they bother knocking.

Kendall took a glance at my wrists and rolled his eyes. I knew he thought of my "wristdanas" as stupid. As far as he was concerned, they were a stupid fashion trend created by my love of bandanas. Good thing none of them knew they were also an effective way to hide secrets.

"Seriously, James?" Logan chimed in, eyeing my wrists. "You've been wearing those for most of the year. I don't think they're going to suddenly become in style." He said. He had a point. I wore them every time it was too warm for long sleeves, claiming that soon everyone in school will be wearing them.

"Just you watch, Logie," I argued back playfully. "Someday they'll be on the cover of a fashion magazine."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know! When you're going to be famous! Can we _please_ play the game now?" Carlos pleaded.

I laughed and we made our way into the den. "Yes, Carlitos. We can play the game now." I said, handing him the red controller, taking the green one for myself and giving Kendall and Logan the blue and black ones.

We played for about two hours, and somewhere along that timeframe Carlos got bored and started shooting at everything that moved. It was kind of funny in an annoying way.

"Carlos!" Kendall yelled for what seemed like the millionth time in the past thirty minutes. "Stop that! You just killed me _again!_"

"It's fun!" Carlos exclaimed, turning his gun on me instead. I groaned as my guy died for the last time. Thankfully Logan had tried to be the hero and started shooting at Carlos and they both finished each other off.

"So, now what?" Kendall asked, lounging back into the couch.

"James, what happened to your wrist?" Logan suddenly asked. I glanced down at them and saw that the gauze was slightly visible on my right one. I tightened the bandana. Luckily I had an explanation for this.

"Oh I fell and tried to catch myself of the table but my hand slipped. I think I just sprained it a little is all," I said, shrugging. They were looking at me skeptically. "What? I've done it before!" I defended. "Remember that time in science last year when I slipped and tried to catch myself of the white board?"

Kendall started laughing. "Oh, yeah! That was so funny! One second you were fine and the next you were on the floor on your ass!" I glared at him.

"Or that one time when you were walking back to the lunch table and you slipped on water and ended up in a split in the middle of the cafeteria?" Carlos joined in.

"Hey!" I cried. "That was a pretty awesome fall, as far as falls go," I said. I ended up with a few bruises, but I was kinda proud of that one.

"Yeah. And weirdly graceful," Logan scoffed.

I smiled at him. "What can I say? It's a gift."

He snorted. "Yes. The gift of falling with style. You should be Buzz Lightyear." He rolled his eyes at me. "Do you need me to look at your wrist?" He asked.

I panicked on the inside. No fucking way was he looking at my wrists! Either one of them! But on the outside, all I said was "Nah, that's okay. It's just a little sore. Thanks though." In a calm voice and even offering him a little smile.

I heard the garage door open, and I knew they had to leave _now_, even if all my self-preservation instincts were begging me to let them stay.

"Hey, guys? It's been fun, but I just heard the garage door open, so you kind of need to go. Like now." Logan and Carlos stood up, but Kendall was looking at me weird. "What?" I asked warily.

He just shrugged. "It's just we never really see your dad anymore. Is he just that busy with work?"

My mind raced to make up a lie. "Uh, yeah. He works a lot now without Mom being here and he's usually really tired when he gets back." I said. Well it was partially true. Since my mom died he has worked more and he _does_ sleep when he gets home. He just smacks me around before he goes to bed.

Kendall was analyzing my face and I really hoped he was going to hurry up. They were running out of time. The last time dad had come home when there were people over it had been bad. For me, of course. _Oh, come on! _ I thought. _ I've fooled you for two years; you can't suddenly begin to notice! I mean, really?! Best friends since preschool and you notice after two fucking years? Please buy it; please buy it, please, please, please…_

He shrugged again before standing up. "Okay," he said, as we walked over to the door. "We'll see you tomorrow, right?" He asked, raising one huge eyebrow.

I rolled my eyes. "Duh. You see me every day." I smiled, ushering them out the door. "Bye guys!" said, before closing the door and leaning against it. I snuck upstairs and into my room just as the garage door shut.

"James David Diamond!" my dad bellowed. I winced in fear. No way was I going to answer. "I know you're here," he called, stalking up the stairs. _Thump, thump, thump._ "I just saw your friends leave the house whispering to each other!" _Slam_, my bedroom door crashed open. "Did you tell them!" he yelled in my face, grasping my shirt in his fists.

"I didn't tell them anything! I swear!" I cried as my dad slammed me into the wall.

He let go of my shirt and punched me in the stomach with enough force to make me fall to the ground, gasping for air. He started kicking my side and yelling at me to get up. When I was finally able to get up, using the wall for support, he gripped my shirt again.

"You better not tell anyone," he snarled in my face. "Or you won't live long enough for them to help you." And with that he dragged me out of my room and threw me down the stairs. I gasped and tried to catch myself as I went into a free fall down the stairs. I threw my right hand down to try to catch my fall and cried out as I felt something snap. I curled up into a ball, trying to protect my head and ribs as I bumped endlessly down the stairs.

I stared up at the ceiling when I finally stopped at the bottom. I was gasping for air and couldn't think straight I was in so much pain. I looked down at my wrist and it looked swollen and purple, and it was twisted at a weird angle. I was terrified to find that I could see part of my bone peeking through the skin. I looked away feeling like I was going to puke.

My father's footsteps echoed as he thudded down the stairs. I tried to move out of the way but it hurt too much to move. I groaned when he finally reached the bottom, kicking me harshly in the side as he walked past.

"I'm going out. And if you know what's good for you, you won't be here when I get back," he sneered. He walked away, slammed the front door and left me lying on the ground.

_Kendall_, I thought. Kendall always, _always_, answered his phone. I could call him and know I would get an answer. The only problem – I needed a phone. My cell phone was upstairs, and the closest one to me was in the kitchen on the wall, twenty feet away.

I carefully turned on to my stomach, wincing as pain flared in my wrist. I tried to stand up, but I got lightheaded just sitting up, and knew walking was out of the question. I army crawled over to the kitchen, trying to keep my wrist as still as possible.

About halfway there I noticed a warm feeling on my stomach and looked down to find a whole lot of blood pouring through a gash in my side. A piece of glass was embedded in my flesh just under my rib cage. _How the fuck did that happen?_ I wondered. It was making it harder to crawl, so – not listening to Logan's voice in my head to just leave it be – I wrapped my fingers around the shard and yanked it, crying out at the pain that caused.

When I finally made it to the kitchen my whole body was screaming in pain. I gripped the counter with my left hand and tried to pull myself up. Standing was making my head spin in circles, and I really had to focus to dial Kendall's number.

_Please, please, please, plea- _

"James?"

I sighed in relief. "Kendall… help… stairs…" I whimpered, unable to form a complete sentence.

"James? What happened? Bro are you there?" The panic was evident in his voice.

I wanted to answer, but the words were stuck in my throat. The spinning got faster and I fell backwards, the phone falling onto the counter with a smack before falling off and dangling from the chord, clacking against the counter. I could hear Kendall frantically calling my name and telling his mom to get in the car before everything went black.

**Okay so all these falling stories can really happen, just FYI (Well, not so sure about the stairs one). I have many friends and my entire high school that can attest to that. I needed to get a pastel in art and I was barefoot – because who likes wearing shoes? – and my feet were sweaty from my flip-flops and I spun around too fast and I slipped. I tried to catch myself on the whiteboard because it has that little ledge for markers but my hand slipped off and I just ended up on the ground laughing. It was pretty amusing. :P**

**Yay! A longish chapter! I'm so proud! And do you know what would make me happier? That's right! Cookies! And if you review I think you should give yourself a cookie! Because reviews are AWESOME! Just think of the time I put into this story for you! I mean we're talking **_**hours**_** of hard work here and I do it just to hear your feedback. ;P Please and thank you! (And I just **_**might**_** update early so you aren't about to kill me.)**

**~ Nikki**


	8. Chapter 7

**Wow I'm stupid... I thought I uploaded this three days ago... Anyway...**

**Happy (Belated) Single Awareness Day! Valentine's Day for all you people with actual significant others. My valentine was my golden retriever, and I don't think she counts. She's cute though! :3**

The room was too bright when I woke up. I blinked a few times and when my eyes adjusted I noticed Kendall, Katie, Mama Knight, Carlos, and Logan all asleep in various positions in the room. Kendall was asleep on my left side, his head resting on Mrs. Knight's shoulder, and her head resting on his. Carlos and Logan were asleep on the floor in a corner, Logan propped up against the wall and Carlos spread out beside him. Katie was on my right, her head being pillowed by her arms on the bed.

The blinds were shut, but I could still tell that it was dark out, making me wonder what time it was. I almost burst into a laughing fit as the absurd thought of '_How many centuries have passed?'_ drifted through my mind. Either I had a pretty bad concussion or I was on some serious pain medication. Or both.

I noticed a cell phone on the table next to me and I pressed a button to see what time it was. The screen lit up and it showed it was just after two in the morning. I thought about going back to sleep, but I was _way_ to hyper off of whatever medication they gave me. So instead I picked up the phone (which I now recognized as my own iPhone. Thank god for otter box.), and gently shook Katie awake. I was so getting a witness for this. She opened her eyes and looked like she was about to squeal so I put my finger to my lips, cocked back my left arm, and threw my phone over at Logan and Carlos, laughing when it bounced off Logan's shoulder and onto Carlos's face.

Katie launched herself at me then and I wrapped my left arm around her, my right arm was kinda heavy for some reason. "You're awake!" she cried, waking up Kendall and Mama Knight in the process. Suddenly, I was surrounded by four other pairs of arms. It was starting to get a little claustrophobic.

"Hey guys. What's up?" I asked, my voice muffled by the many people around me.

Logan looked at me like I was nuts. "Dude, you fell down the stairs," he said slowly. I furrowed my eyebrows at him. I didn't remember that. "You've been out cold for two days," he continued, judging my reaction.

"Okay then," I shrugged. Although I was prone to slipping, I was actually pretty graceful, if I do say so myself. It wasn't usually like me to fall down stairs, usually just on flat slippery surfaces. And something about it just didn't feel right. However, I was too high from whatever drugs they gave me to care.

I looked around and noticed someone was missing. "Where's my dad?" I asked.

Mrs. Knight furrowed her eyebrows in concern and brushed my bangs out of my eyes. "He went on a business trip for a few weeks," She answered. "You don't remember?"

I shook my head and Carlos decided to speak up. "I know the doctor said you hit your head pretty hard, but _damn_, James!" He exclaimed. I just blinked at him, not really understanding. _When you fell down the stairs_, a voice whispered in the back of my mind.

"You got a serious concussion, a broken right wrist, some bruised ribs, and a gash in your side," Logan listed.

Ah. So that's why my arm was green. And didn't move. Wow. These drugs are really strong. Wait. "My side?" I asked.

"Sweetie, when you fell, you knocked over a picture frame and one of the shards got stuck in your side," Mrs. Knight explained.

Kendall was glaring at me as his mother said that and then chimed in "Yeah. And then you stupidly decided to pull it out and bleed to death."

I just furrowed my eyes at him. He was talking too fast. I didn't bleed to death. Otherwise I would be here… right? "I didn't bleed to death."

He just looked at me weird, not saying anything.

"No, you didn't. And I'm really glad you're alright, James," Katie said sweetly, gently wrapping me in a hug. I wrapped my arms around her, hugging her back tightly.

The door opening attracted my shorter than normal attention span before I could reply to her. The doctor stepped in, seeming surprised at something. "Oh, good. You're awake," He said, taking out his clip board. "So how are you feeling?" He asked.

I thought for a moment - or tried to, anyway. "Fuzzy," I decided. Katie rested her head on my shoulder and I was surprised that she was still in my arms.

The doctor studied me for a second. "Well that's to be expected. You took quite a hit to the head, and you're on a pretty high dosage of morphine."

What? I wasn't hit in the head. With a baseball bat. _Peanut butter jelly time!_ What? I snickered at that thought.

"Will he be back to normal soon? He's kinda freaking me out…" Carlos said, watching my internal rant. Wow. I'm freaking out _Carlos_.

"He'll be fine in a few more days. And it will be better once he's not on so many drugs."

_Give me the good stuff!_ My brain screamed. Shut up, brain. No drugs for you.

"Good. So when can we take him home?" Mrs. Knight asked.

"Today or tomorrow," the doctor answered. "But how about right now I get something to help James sleep, so he doesn't hurt himself," he said, walking out of the room.

It was quiet for a while – except, of course, for my ADD brain. "So you're going to stay with us when you can go home, okay James?" Mrs. Knight said. I nodded. I was actually really tired now from all the excitement of waking up.

… I wonder if this is what being drunk is like.

Oh my god, brain! Shut the fuck up! Nobody asked you!

… or maybe bipolar…

… schizophrenic?...

… probably just concussed.

Yeah. That's probably it. And high.

"Okay, James. I'm going to put this in your IV and I'll check on you in the morning, alright?" he said, slowly injecting some clear liquid into the IV I apparently had in my arm. Well hello there IV.

My eyelids started getting really heavy, really fast. Before I knew it, I was out cold.

**Well, sorry for the slightly spazzy chapter, but whatever. My excuse is that I'm in a really weird mood right now. Let me know what you think please! :) Like what did you think about that little bit of Jatie? I think it was kinda adorable. :)**

**~ Nikki**


	9. Chapter 8

**So because of my stupidity with the last chapter, i'm going to give you two today.**

**This is the second to last chapter… *sob!***

_Owww…_ was the only thought going through my head when I next woke up. Apparently the drugs were no longer in my system, and boy did it _hurt_. My arm was on fire and for the first time I could really feel that gash in my side.

I clutched my side with my good hand and hissed in pain, alerting everyone who was apparently still in my room that I was awake.

"James? Are you okay, sweetie?" Mrs. Knight cooed, gently stroking my hair.

I took a shaky breath and opened my eyes. "Yeah, I'm fine, just a little sore," I said, smiling up at her.

She gave me a soft smile back and simply continued to stroke my hair. Usually, someone touching my hair would annoy me, but it was comforting when Mama Knight did it. Glancing around the room, I noticed no one else was in the room.

"Everyone went to go get breakfast," she said. "You're on a very small amount of morphine so you don't get addicted, and we're taking you home later today."

I just nodded, suddenly too tired to stay awake any longer. Mama Knight must have picked up on my tiredness, because she suggested I take a nap before we left the hospital. She started humming a lullaby my mom used to sing to me. I don't remember the name of it anymore and only a few words, but it still had the same comforting effect. She had a nice voice – not as amazing as my mother's from years of singing on Broadway, but there was just something comforting about a mother's singing. I was out like a light in no time.

**Kendall's POV**

James has been unusually quiet, and it's starting to freak me out.

It's been about a week since we brought him home from the hospital, and he's hardly said anything. I know he's tired and in pain, but it's almost like he's hiding something. I'm starting to get worried.

Logan says it's probably just from his pain medication. When he was on the same stuff a few years ago because of his broken leg and ribs he was fairly quiet then, too. It made sense, but something just felt _off_ and I was going to find out what it was.

_~btr~_

"James? I know something's wrong. What is it?" I asked, hesitantly. I didn't want to push, but I was seriously worried. I had a feeling he didn't really fall down the stairs.

He didn't answer, just looked at the cast on his arm, tracing the signatures with the tip of his finger. Practically our whole school had signed it.

I sighed and sat down next to him on the couch. "You don't have to tell me, but please know that I'm always here for you. You can come to me with anything okay? _Anything."_ I persisted.

James smiled and leaned against my side. "I know Kendall. And I'll come to if I ever have anything I need to tell you, promise." He said, and I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him close.

He never did come talk to me about what was bothering him.

**James POV**

I stayed at Kendall's for almost a month before my father decided to "come back" from his "business trip". I was mostly healed by then; my cast was off and the gash in my side and ribs were healed, I was just a little sore.

I learned quickly to stay out of my father's way at all times. I was getting pretty good at it, too; especially the lying to my friends part. Most of it consisting of "my dad is going on another business trip/is working late, could I sleep over?" As depressing as it was, I forced to take on a role similar to an orphan in order to survive.

Becoming famous was my new goal. I had always wanted to be famous, but now I redoubled my efforts, trying desperately to get out of the hell-hole I called a home. It would be hard to leave Carlos, Logan, and Kendall behind, but I could always come back and visit them.

That's why I was so crushed when Gustavo said I wasn't good enough. I had everything he asked for: the looks, the voice, the drive. I was just a little nervous was all. But I guess he just really wanted "the fire". Kendall had passion for everything he did, and I admired him for that. However, when Gustavo showed up again looking for _Kendall_ and not _me,_ I envied him. He was going to get out, and I was going to be stuck in East-Jesus Minnesota for the rest of my life. I was so devastated, I forgot I needed to stay out of my father's way. I got a new collection of bruises that night.

Imagine my surprise the next day when Kendall not only agrees to go to L.A with the angry producer, but want to take Logan, Carlos, _and_ me along with him! It was my dream coming true! Sure, I wouldn't be a solo artist (yet), but I would be able to live my dream with my best friends by my side, and without my father to terrorize me every second of the day!

Once we got to L.A it was a huge weight off my shoulders. I think the guys noticed because I was acting more like my old self. I was finally free for the first time in _years_, and the only time the past haunted me was in my nightmares.

I don't know why I asked Griffin if I could tell the world my story, I guess it seemed like something I wanted to stop hiding from everyone. It was getting kind of tiring to keep pretending that I cared about my dad and talked to him every so often. I just hope that once the guys found out, they wouldn't over react. I guess that's too much to ask, though.

**So hello! It took me **_**forever**_** to write this chapter, so if you want to encourage me, write a review. ;) I really like this story. I think it's my best yet.**

**My friends think I'm twisted and depressed for writing such horrible stories, but I'm really not, I promise! I'm actually a really happy person! I guess there's just not enough stuff going on in my boring life so I write this horrible stuff to appreciate how nice my life is or something. …I kinda lost my train of thought halfway through that sentence… stupid ADD brain!**

**Hey, you ever notice how when you type add in lowercase it looks like add as in one plus one equals two, but when you type it ADD it look like ADD as in Attention Deficit Disorder? Weird, huh?**

**Anyway, let me know you're thoughts! Was it good? Bad? Just okay? **

**Please and thank you!**

**~Nikki**


	10. Chapter 9

**I am **_**soo**_** sorry that this took so long to put up! I meant to post this last Friday but life got in the way. :/ Anyway, here is the last chapter!**

I finished telling my story and looked around the room for the first time to gauge everyone's reactions. I had gone last in the interviews, so the only people here were the camera crew and Griffin. No one – not even Gustavo, Kelly, or the guys – knew what my interview was about. All the general public knew was that there were going to be some big secrets being spilt. I have to admit, it was a great selling point.

Griffin nodded at me and I took that as my cue to be dismissed. I stood up and started making my way back to the Palm Woods. How were the guys going to take it when they heard? They'd be mad for sure. _Oh my god_, I thought. _They're gonna hate me. They'll never want to be friends with me again._ I started to work myself into a panic attack and tried to calm down. The DVD will be out in a month. Just a few short weeks and they'll know everything. I won't have to hide anymore. They won't hate me… I hope.

_**~line break~**_

The month was over faster than I could blink. It was like one long panic attack, as I tried to keep up the illusion that was my life and try not to dread the day I was _supposed_ to be looking forward to; the day our fame would reach a new height.

Carlos came bursting through the door with our DVD, _Big Time Rush: Big Time Biography_, clutched in one hand and dragging Logan through the door with the other.

"Guys!" he screamed. "Our DVD is out! Let's watch it!" The others agreed instantly, and we all sat down on the violently orange couch to see what we all said.

Our deal was that we wouldn't tell the others what we said in the interviews, so it wouldn't be so boring when we watched it. The first part was a group interview with all of us laughing and talking about how we've grown as a group in both Minnesota and L.A. The second part was the individual interviews. It started off with Logan talking about wanting to be a doctor but not wanting to give up on BTR either. He told stories about me and Carlos hurting ourselves (it was more common than we'd like to admit) and how he usually tried to help Kendall keep us out of trouble. He talked about how he met Carlos (Logan and Carlos were friends before they met me and Kendall), and then they switched to Carlos.

Carlos talked more about his family. It was interesting growing up being one of six siblings. He had two older brothers, an older sister, and two younger siblings – fraternal twins. Being Carlos, he was definitely one of the more annoying youngsters. He then told them how he and Logan met us, and what kind of trouble we get into at the Palm Woods.

Kendall was third. He talked about what it was like working with Gustavo, and some more crazy adventures – like our epic Nerf gun wars on our tour bus, and the various pranks we pull while on the road.

I was last. I was so scared I thought I was going to puke. Or pass out. I started fiddling with my fingers, and Kendall just gave me a confused glance. What were they going to think of me? Would they hate me for keeping this from them for so long? My hands started to shake.

The me on the screen looked up at the camera and started talking – just bits and pieces of what it's like living with your best friends, before the person behind the camera asks about my past. He's done this a few times to keep the others on track. My reaction is different though. I bite my lip, I look down, I look at Griffin, I look back at the camera. My heart is racing now, and all I'm doing is sitting on the couch.

I start off by saying that no one other than me and my dad know what I'm about to say – not even the guys. They glance at me. They're worried but it can't be too bad, right? I mean, I'm still alive and I don't have nightmares about "my mother's death" anymore.

I have gotten better since we moved to L.A. The scars are still on my wrist, but they're old. I have touched a razor since a month after we moved here, and we've been here for almost a year. I want it now, but I can resist the urge – push it down and bury the pain. I also stopped having so many nightmares. The guys just thought it was about my mom's death since all I did was whimper in my sleep, but those were actually about all those years of hell. That one day, my dad will come back and find me.

The on-screen James started talking about that hockey game, and that terrible night. When I was talking about after the guys left I started panicking. _Here it comes…_

It was silent except for my recorded voice still talking on the TV. I was too scared to look up.

I took a relatively short time describing the last few years of my life. Only about twenty minutes later did I end by saying that moving to L.A was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The DVD wrapped up with a montage of videos of us being stupid and bloopers and pictures before the credits rolled and the screen went black.

I held my breath. There was going to be a huge explosion, I knew it. My hands were still shaking – hell, my whole _body_ was still shaking – and my heart was still racing, like it was just going to leap out of my chest and abandon me.

Black spots started showing up in front of my eyes, but I was too terrified to break the silence.

Logan was sitting on my right, Carlos next to him, and Kendall on my left. Logan was the first to tear his eyes away from the home menu and look at me. "James? You're turning blue, breathe." He said, putting his hand on my shoulder.

This drew the attention of Kendall and Carlos, and they turned their heads to look at me so fast I swear I heard their necks crack. I drew in a few shaky breaths and waited for someone to say something.

Kendall wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to stop my constant shivering. I leaned into him, clasping my hands together in a vain attempt to keep them still.

"Why didn't you ever tell us, Jay?" Carlos asked quietly. "We could have helped you."

I couldn't answer. I was too focused in holding back the panic that they would still hate me and the tears of relief that threatened to show because I didn't have to hide anymore. I could finally just be James. Although, I didn't really know who that was anymore.

Kendall gently grabbed my wrist with one of his hands and carefully started taking off the multiple string bracelets and rubber bands. I'd finally given up on the wristdanas idea a few months ago. I offered him no resistance. I was as limp as a rag doll.

They gave a collective gasp at the sight and multitude of the scares there. Kendall traced them with his thumb. "Why?" he whispered.

"Because he would have killed me if I told you." Was that _my_ voice? That weak shaking thing?

They pulled me into a group hug, and a few tears escaped my eyes, sliding down my cheeks. They whispered soft comforts to me, and I smiled because I knew they were true. I had the best friends in the world, and I _was_ okay, and they were _never_ going to leave me.

**So what did you think of this chapter? I think I might end this story here, but I'm not sure. Maybe a sequel with Jamille in there. Review and let me know what you think! Please and thank you!**

**~Nikki**


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